...panickstricken!

i have a history exam tomorrow - nothing important. it's not crucial to my existence, to my future or anything. except...it is. its difficult to process that one's life is mapped out by the journey that one's pen inks during an exam! thankfully, i need only to get one mark and then i get my A - if i don't, i am not crushed! that comes next week!

anyway, i can't concentrate. i don't remember a single thing from last year and will try the fail safe method (as in you will safely fail) of trying to memorize a third of a course in one night! i wish i could give it up! all i want to do for the rest of my life is to spill my words onto pages and fill books with my thoughts! i want to make teeshirts and tiny floral dresses, with delicate draping skirts and bustiers swirled in pale chiffon! i want to sweep my thoughts into pictures and have a studio where i will make everything and anything by myself! i wish! i miss photography - i miss my camera! i miss being able to claim credit for something that has been made and is admired. i love photographing people - i wish baltek had not broken my camera with his clumsy fingers!


kisses have been more frequent, which is undoubtedly positive! limbs both manly and tiny have been tucked in and curled around to form little cosy balls where breaths tickle eachother without mercy. i am happy? i just hate guys - and only my head will fully understand - but i love him so much and that matter has nothing to do with the other, almost. whenever the time after this coming summer flits into my head - for i only have and will and want to give it brief thought - my visions of it are hazy and painful. my heart will break.