violent little marks pock my skin! red and volcanic - as if they are angry at me! the anger is miscontrued, may i say - it is i who is any at them! i am sick and tired of having to cower and cover my face in shame, coat my burning cheeks with pale glossy liquid and peach coloured fairy feathery dust. i am ashamed of myself, entirely. i loathe it! its unnatural and fake - a pretence!
everything is a pretence, how awful. demanour? countenance?
i feel so helpless - just like how the obnoxious can't fail at being rude,
i just can't help being helpless.

also, we are lacking in lemons which is quite unfortunate as i am quite eager to make a lemon drizzle cake and somewhat feel that a lemon drizzle cake will not be feasible without the lemon? bitter, bitter, bitter circumstances!

i feel quite sneaky for keeping this blog a secret! i am not sure if it is out of fear of embarassment (partly because i can't spell embarassment..i don't think?) or whether is because i quite like the notion of putting what i think out there but not having any1 read it? how ever am i going to get my novels/poetry publish if i can't even contemplate getting this read by strangers? i do think it's quite peculiar how people advertise their blogs - maybe tho, its because they are abit different than this one! i like reading simone's and becky's - they are so cleverly written! i wish i could do that. also, they give me a little peek into their lives - for which i am grateful?

travel news! i am going to benicassim festival! i am both terribly excited and terrified at the same time! i can't wait for hot days with beaches and nites filled with music and laughs! but then i am terrified at the thought of hot days with beaches! i am struggling to figure what am i going to do about my body? its such a silly superficial dilemma - but, i want to toast myself to a golden brown and to do so i am required to flaunt my thighs in a bikini! the solution to this catastrophe i think, to to resolve myself to eating bare minmums, drinking vast amount of water to purify and cleanse my skin and, gulp, exercise! the last will be the most difficult as my limbs are unaccustomed to any more strenous activity than walking at a snail's pace up to school. however, the point of this is i want to feel good about myself and my body and it appears that the only way to do this is to lose weight, tone up and to zips my lips (prevents complaints and food from entering/exiting). if that makes sense? after this festival, a holiday with claire is on the card because i am going with her! i cannot wait and then after a holiday with raymond which is equally as terribly exciting and terrifying. he is going to benicassim tho.

oh i dont know what i am writing, how frustrating.

...panickstricken!

i have a history exam tomorrow - nothing important. it's not crucial to my existence, to my future or anything. except...it is. its difficult to process that one's life is mapped out by the journey that one's pen inks during an exam! thankfully, i need only to get one mark and then i get my A - if i don't, i am not crushed! that comes next week!

anyway, i can't concentrate. i don't remember a single thing from last year and will try the fail safe method (as in you will safely fail) of trying to memorize a third of a course in one night! i wish i could give it up! all i want to do for the rest of my life is to spill my words onto pages and fill books with my thoughts! i want to make teeshirts and tiny floral dresses, with delicate draping skirts and bustiers swirled in pale chiffon! i want to sweep my thoughts into pictures and have a studio where i will make everything and anything by myself! i wish! i miss photography - i miss my camera! i miss being able to claim credit for something that has been made and is admired. i love photographing people - i wish baltek had not broken my camera with his clumsy fingers!


kisses have been more frequent, which is undoubtedly positive! limbs both manly and tiny have been tucked in and curled around to form little cosy balls where breaths tickle eachother without mercy. i am happy? i just hate guys - and only my head will fully understand - but i love him so much and that matter has nothing to do with the other, almost. whenever the time after this coming summer flits into my head - for i only have and will and want to give it brief thought - my visions of it are hazy and painful. my heart will break.