today has been dark, and sad and cold. words which normally tumble with ease onto paper have stuck fast in the tips of my fingers - i can't write anymore! essays, poems, prose...i just can't do it. nothing is inspiring and everything has taken on a grey, ashpalt, midnight, black (!) tint! i am stuggling to trust and that little five letter word is the basis for everything. the very fundementals!
it's getting harder leave my raspberry room everyday, to drag myself out into the cold, acrid world (but, it did snow yesterday night :D). my friends aren't my friends anymore - they're strangers to me. i'm a stranger to their private joke to which i am no longer privy to. to their new stranger friends i am a stranger - its so different to how it used to be. everyone is caught up in their new worlds - swirling bright colours, vivid noise, comedowns and highs. i want to do that but not do that, if you understand?
i will be as empty as i feel, that will sort things out! or mayb, i should shop for happiness? im sure that if i found that lace top i wanted all would be okay! and im going to make a navy hi-waisted skirt and i shall buy a petticoat tomorrow and wear them together! i am going to try again!

this was fairly funny.

i love my bf! i arrive at his on monday, expecting nothing but an evening of television, a warm glow from lights and bigger arms curled around a tinier torso. but that (pleasantly) surprisingly was not the case! i was instructed to wait outside, which i did with Harvey and Jaffa (the canines) gathered round my feet, exploring my new shoes with their wet noses! i heard clashes and thumping up stairs, opening and slamming of cupboard doors! finally, after 10minutes of biting cold, i was i was allowed to re-enter the house, where, i was then given a bit of paper. puzzled, i opened it and then a smile as wide as a mile stretched across my face...it was a clue! and then that clue led to another, and then another, and then another - and then a detour ;), hah - until, UNTIL, i found a crimson bag with gold lettering in Harry Potter's bedroom. excitedly, i opened the bag and took out the sweetest box, removed the lid and found the most perfect gift! a gold. heart shaped engraved locket on the thinnest chain - its like a gold thread!

now, everytime i look down, or feel my locket bouncing against my skin as i walk, i think of my bf and then, then i get this cosy, golden, warm feeling spreading to every nook and cranny and corner! i love just getting little texts from him. i love how he rings me every saturday on his break without fail. i love it wen we curl up in bed and promise we won't fall asleep only to be dreaming minutes later. i, um, if i'm truthful, i love him a whole lot!

what a weekend. claire has simaltaneously ruined and bettered my life with the introduction of lookbook.nu. this is an exclusive website (members only and by invitation only), where ridiculously well-dressed girls and bois post pictures of their outfits. not only are their clothese infuriatingly p-e-r-f-e-c-t, so are their photographs. by scrolling through almost the entire website i have come to the conclusion that:
1) all my clothes are rags
2) the secret of looking good is to never eat again

with these jewels of wisdom, i have thrown out piles and piles of said rags and now have almost nothing to wear. well, nothing that i would consider wearing beyond my front door (the grey jogging bottoms survived the clearing out, but cannot be ever, EVER worn in public, EVER due to their stained and ripped state. however, here, comfort prevails over appearance). i have made a list of things i must purchase. like, some more knee highs and these absolutely amazing lace up victorian black ankle boots, except, like my green brogue-type shoes, i am going to thread through ribbon instead of settling for laces. even tho i do not have the £££££ to do so! how jealous i am of people with limitless pools of resources not only in the monetry respect! i wish i knew all the little nooks and crannies, the secret places where these clothes are bought! i might start making my own, again. i miss that. im making myself a scarf at the moment; bright purple, wide and long enough to wrap round me several times over.

oh and ive hated this weekend. i feel little and lost and like i should and can do nothing bu curl up in on myself and sleep, and let my thoughts seep onto my pillow from my head.

ive always stuck my words onto paper, not to computer screens - it's all abit peculiar? reading through other blogs, i don't know how how deep to delve and to share my little streams of conscience, being an excruciatingly private person (unless i fall in love with you, then secrets are let loose! one person knows them all..!).
i suppose i shall being with today, rather then yesterday because it's never good to live in the past (though i often do - regrets?). it began well, with a kind of warmth that left me round-cheeked and crinkly with smiles, especially wen coupled with thoughts of boifriend (!). afterschool activities included a debate, or rather, a one to one debate at debate club! all of a sudden, dread collected right at my toes and swept to the crown of my head. my nerves dared to work up the nerve to unnerve me! to make answers stick like black tar in my throat, and so Queen of the debate i was not! next week will be better, i am sure!
thoughts of prague occupy my head right now, and yellow ipods and gold hearts and duvet tents complete with kitchens with marble worktops...but those are all secrets that are not yet ready to make like milk and spill!