the world is like a cookie; it's just crumbling.

it's too much and im too small to be able to handle, do, and finish it all! theres no hope, i cant cope with all the unfinished!

I like soft nests made from cotton, where I am able to nestle quite forgotten with my limbs all askew but I like it better when there are two – two pairs all tangled and muddled till neither knows either or either knows neither! Just the tips of our toes and fingers touch and you tell me that you love me very much till my heart swells so big and full just like a blown-up balloon. You tell me that you’ll take me to see the moon and stars, when in fact I know that we’ll just ride in your car to a wide open place and we’ll shut our eyes and wish ourselves into space and steal the stars and eat them for our breakfast the next day. We curl up in bed, my glossy head lying on the coarse hairs that coat your broad chest, with our both heads all heady with dreams and eyes sticky with sleep. I feel your breath tickling the top of my head in hot little mushroom puffs and breaths as I listen to your heart beat steady and slow in perfect time with my tapping fingers. Your hands linger languidly in and amongst the familiar curves and dips in my skin and your lips stretch into smiles wider than miles, when I blush a dusky pink as I think your thoughts as if they were mine! I look in every cranny and crook till I find, find the most secret of places hidden carefully on your face, tucked behind papery thin skin. I nestle the tip of my nose in the concave curve of your ear, so close that I am blowing myself right into you! I kiss the secret, soft place behind your ears without fear just knowing, that I am the first!

if you love someone, tell them! before its too late!

if i tell you that i love you - take it! take it and fold it between your fingers, tuck it somewhere secret and hidden! know that i love you forever, honestly. i'll only stop loving you when i tell you so; when i tell you that "i don't love you anymore." (like Natalie Portman in Closer!). and if i tell you im IN love with you, keep that for all forever of forevers! take THAT love and use it to make your cheeks rounded with smiles and eyes crinkly with laughter! keep it close with you, always, and remember that i will be in love with you and love you till the last stars have been hungrily swallowed by the end of the universe! get drunk on love and watch it creep up from your feet, up your legs to your arms and torso till it tickles that special place behind your ears - feel heady and pink! i dont know! cry standing in the rain, so that no1 can tell and your secrets stay special and you cant tell one type of drop from another! laugh till its so painful that you laugh!

today has been dark, and sad and cold. words which normally tumble with ease onto paper have stuck fast in the tips of my fingers - i can't write anymore! essays, poems, prose...i just can't do it. nothing is inspiring and everything has taken on a grey, ashpalt, midnight, black (!) tint! i am stuggling to trust and that little five letter word is the basis for everything. the very fundementals!
it's getting harder leave my raspberry room everyday, to drag myself out into the cold, acrid world (but, it did snow yesterday night :D). my friends aren't my friends anymore - they're strangers to me. i'm a stranger to their private joke to which i am no longer privy to. to their new stranger friends i am a stranger - its so different to how it used to be. everyone is caught up in their new worlds - swirling bright colours, vivid noise, comedowns and highs. i want to do that but not do that, if you understand?
i will be as empty as i feel, that will sort things out! or mayb, i should shop for happiness? im sure that if i found that lace top i wanted all would be okay! and im going to make a navy hi-waisted skirt and i shall buy a petticoat tomorrow and wear them together! i am going to try again!

this was fairly funny.

i love my bf! i arrive at his on monday, expecting nothing but an evening of television, a warm glow from lights and bigger arms curled around a tinier torso. but that (pleasantly) surprisingly was not the case! i was instructed to wait outside, which i did with Harvey and Jaffa (the canines) gathered round my feet, exploring my new shoes with their wet noses! i heard clashes and thumping up stairs, opening and slamming of cupboard doors! finally, after 10minutes of biting cold, i was i was allowed to re-enter the house, where, i was then given a bit of paper. puzzled, i opened it and then a smile as wide as a mile stretched across my face...it was a clue! and then that clue led to another, and then another, and then another - and then a detour ;), hah - until, UNTIL, i found a crimson bag with gold lettering in Harry Potter's bedroom. excitedly, i opened the bag and took out the sweetest box, removed the lid and found the most perfect gift! a gold. heart shaped engraved locket on the thinnest chain - its like a gold thread!

now, everytime i look down, or feel my locket bouncing against my skin as i walk, i think of my bf and then, then i get this cosy, golden, warm feeling spreading to every nook and cranny and corner! i love just getting little texts from him. i love how he rings me every saturday on his break without fail. i love it wen we curl up in bed and promise we won't fall asleep only to be dreaming minutes later. i, um, if i'm truthful, i love him a whole lot!

what a weekend. claire has simaltaneously ruined and bettered my life with the introduction of lookbook.nu. this is an exclusive website (members only and by invitation only), where ridiculously well-dressed girls and bois post pictures of their outfits. not only are their clothese infuriatingly p-e-r-f-e-c-t, so are their photographs. by scrolling through almost the entire website i have come to the conclusion that:
1) all my clothes are rags
2) the secret of looking good is to never eat again

with these jewels of wisdom, i have thrown out piles and piles of said rags and now have almost nothing to wear. well, nothing that i would consider wearing beyond my front door (the grey jogging bottoms survived the clearing out, but cannot be ever, EVER worn in public, EVER due to their stained and ripped state. however, here, comfort prevails over appearance). i have made a list of things i must purchase. like, some more knee highs and these absolutely amazing lace up victorian black ankle boots, except, like my green brogue-type shoes, i am going to thread through ribbon instead of settling for laces. even tho i do not have the £££££ to do so! how jealous i am of people with limitless pools of resources not only in the monetry respect! i wish i knew all the little nooks and crannies, the secret places where these clothes are bought! i might start making my own, again. i miss that. im making myself a scarf at the moment; bright purple, wide and long enough to wrap round me several times over.

oh and ive hated this weekend. i feel little and lost and like i should and can do nothing bu curl up in on myself and sleep, and let my thoughts seep onto my pillow from my head.

ive always stuck my words onto paper, not to computer screens - it's all abit peculiar? reading through other blogs, i don't know how how deep to delve and to share my little streams of conscience, being an excruciatingly private person (unless i fall in love with you, then secrets are let loose! one person knows them all..!).
i suppose i shall being with today, rather then yesterday because it's never good to live in the past (though i often do - regrets?). it began well, with a kind of warmth that left me round-cheeked and crinkly with smiles, especially wen coupled with thoughts of boifriend (!). afterschool activities included a debate, or rather, a one to one debate at debate club! all of a sudden, dread collected right at my toes and swept to the crown of my head. my nerves dared to work up the nerve to unnerve me! to make answers stick like black tar in my throat, and so Queen of the debate i was not! next week will be better, i am sure!
thoughts of prague occupy my head right now, and yellow ipods and gold hearts and duvet tents complete with kitchens with marble worktops...but those are all secrets that are not yet ready to make like milk and spill!